12 Tips for Every Drinker

If you respect alcohol as a God-given foodstuff and chemical, and if you respect your own body’s God-given limits and don’t try to push yourself (or others) into crazy drinking, you’ll probably stay out of trouble. This is pretty much the basic theme of Twelve Tips for Every Drinker. Via Ace of Spades.

Contains an eensy pinch of heresy/bad formation in #11, mostly because the guy is touching on a subject far too deep for the space alloted. Ignore the heresy and just take the man’s basic point.

I think this stems from his weird idea in #3, which is that one always drinks to lubricate oneself for socializing. The man must be joking, because socializing already takes all one’s brainpower, and alcohol doesn’t make one smarter. You drink alcohol because it tastes good and is pleasant, just like you eat chocolate, and because it is fun. People having fun aren’t usually “better versions of themselves”; they are just versions having fun. It’s easier to impress slightly stupider people having fun, maybe, or at least they may be feeling kinder; but Drinking won’t make you a better person; make sure you’re not a worse. Take that as #13.

Still, you can tell this is a contemporary man’s article… because he doesn’t warn you not to let anybody touch your drink. “Don’t let anyone touch your drink” ought to be #14.

Ladies, watch your drink. If you leave your table, either take your drink with you, finish it off, or never drink from it again. I’m not telling you to be paranoid; if you make it a normal practice, you won’t have to be paranoid.

Gentlemen, don’t get complacent. Rohypnol and other Mickey Finns will also work on you; and even if you don’t get raped (which you could be!), getting robbed and rolled isn’t particularly pleasant. Many of our forebears wound up dead or shanghaied because they didn’t watch their drink.

And of course, there’s #15 — A friend’s place and a good beverage store are a lot cheaper than a bar, so you and your friends can afford to drink better, more enjoyable stuff. Maybe there’ll be fewer people yelling in your ear and less TV.

1 Comment

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One response to “12 Tips for Every Drinker

  1. The conversation’s better, too.

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